My Ectopic Pregnancy Story

Tw: pregnancy loss, trauma

Today, August 1, is Ectopic Pregnancy Awareness Day. I haven’t told my story, but I know many of you who read my posts in October 2021, were astute enough to figure out something wasn’t right, or had your own miscarriages, or knew those who had and were able to guess at what I meant. I know many of you have secretly experienced pregnancy losses and haven’t known how to talk about them or even how to think about them. I know remembering what happened to me is very triggering for me, and it might be for you as well.

My Story:

More than two years ago, in August 2021, we found out we were pregnant. We were so happy to welcome a new child into our lives in May 2022. Two months later, our baby was gone and I was rushed into emergency surgery. I almost died. I haven’t talked about it extensively here on my platform because I have been processing some really intense feelings about it.

We were supposed to announce our first pregnancy to my family on my birthday (October 3) with a special “birthday cake” that we had the bakery write “We are Expecting!” on it. But two days before, I was in my bathroom on the floor sobbing and in intense pain after experiencing some light cramping that escalated dramatically.

Andrew drove me to the five minutes that felt like an eternity to hospital, and while in the waiting room I fainted several times and collapsed on the way to the bathroom trying to open the door. The hospital was out of beds (this was also still very much during the most intense COVID-19 precautions) so I sat with my head in my hands just praying to feel better.

Finally, I was admitted, and while waiting for tests to come back felt intense pain in my shoulder first and then my whole body. It felt like I was having a heart attack or dying. All I could muster was a whisper to “help me” to Andrew. I was in such intense pain, the nurses put me on a morphine drip. I took an emergency sonogram and the nurse said “let’s see your baby” but I knew already…. and there was nothing but silence on the sonogram.

Hours later two surgeons came to tell me what had happened and confirmed our fears – I had had an ectopic pregnancy (a non-viable pregnancy in which the embryo implants in the Fallopian tube not in the uterus) and my left fallopian tube had ruptured causing a massive blood clot in my belly. I was rushed into emergency surgery. I remember only being able to remember The Lord’s Prayer as they wheeled me to the OR, and squeezing Andrew’s hand so tightly –just in case I never saw him again.

In the OR, the anesthesiologist did their thing and the surgeon told me that I definitely wouldn’t remember his name — so the first thing I did when I came out of surgery specifically said I did remember the surgeon’s name and tell the nurse his name. I was so worried that I wouldn’t come back that I just channeled all my energy into remembering the surgeon’s name and remembering everything around me. I remember the sky-blue OR, the feeling of the tube in my throat, and the residual gas that filled my belly causing the same shooting pain as the blood it replaced. In recovery, the nurses let me have as much Canada Dry as I wanted, and in that moment it was the best thing I had ever tasted after almost 12 hours without water or liquid waiting for surgery.

My Mom and Andrew met me in the recovery room and we drove back home. I had a friend throw away the cake we had ordered from the bakery, and hide the decorations I had picked up.

Our baby was not with us anymore, and I was in bad shape even though the surgery was successful. I got home from the hospital two days before my 33rd birthday in incredible pain, with two new scars. I could barely walk and even sitting up hurt. My mom and Andrew took care of me on the first day, but we mostly slept. That weekend I was still feeling sick, couldn’t really eat, couldn’t move very well —but my family came to our house to celebrate my birthday.

A few days later we decided to go on our pre-planned trip to Charleston, SC — a place we both had always wanted to visit. We arranged a wheelchair for me to travel through the airport, because I could barely walk without getting winded, and I couldn’t carry anything over 10 lbs. I limped around the city, and Andrew helped change my bandages every day. I had to wear huge pads because of all of the blood loss. I remember the iron supplements causing me to be backed up for days…which is torturous because you can’t eat much and feel terrible.

The Aftermath: Ectopic Pregnancy Support in the United States

When I went online to find resources for those who have had ectopic pregnancies, I was only able to find resources that were created for and detailed experiences of those in the UK. US-based resources gave information about what an ectopic pregnancy was and some information about after-care …but no foundation, stories of others who went through the same thing, or practical resources or FAQ’s were available. It’s like this somewhat common and documented condition was barely even recognized in the United States.

It was deeply frustrating to feel the need to hide what happened to me because misinformed people view ectopic pregnancies as abortion (they’re NOT). We need more resources for ectopic pregnancies and support for folks who experience trauma along the birthing process. Plain and simple. We are doing people a disservice by not supporting them in our miscarriage care in the US (as if parenting in this country wasn’t already a trial). We shouldn’t have to feel alone or embarrassed.

Supporting Survivors of Ectopic Pregnancies:

To those whose lives have been affected by ectopic, I want you and I am glad you’re here with us still. It gets easier to bear day after day, but I still can’t shake the grief and trauma completely or the multiple feelings of seeing others with children or pregnant people. You’re absolutely not alone in your feelings, or how you go about healing. You’re doing enough, and it is not your fault. Seek help from a trusted religious leader, counselor, or therapist –it’s a lot to carry (and often a lot for your partner too). You don’t need to do it alone. The scars and bruising and the physical effects of your ectopic subside, but the mental trauma remains.

To those of you that haven’t been affected by ectopic, I want you to know that ectopic pregnancies affect real people and are not just stories to use as political narrations or hot-takes on Twitter. They’re not all that rare, and they’re extremely life-threatening—many people continue to die from ectopic pregnancies every year around the world. The current political climate is obviously a bit precarious for those who have and will experience ectopics, we need your real support as there is often no one advocating for us in the US.

The babies that are lost are often very wanted and very loved. It’s not a choice to have an ectopic, it’s something devastating that happens to you and no one knows the reason.

Be aware that many of your friends have had miscarriages, and if they’ve never told you about them….examine why they may not have felt they could trust you with that information.

Our Next Chapter:

Andrew and I obviously are still not parents. It is tough for us, but especially for me feeling like I’m at a disadvantage now as an “older” woman and as someone with only one fallopian tube. Andrew and I would still love to welcome a child into our family and have always been open to adopting a child. We are praying for another chapter to our story and to our family’s story.

I found the following resources helpful:

Ectopic Pregnancy Foundation, “Your Feelings Following an Ectopic“

Ectopic Pregnancy Foundation, “Stories“

“My Miscarriage Was Over. My Terror Had Just Begun” by Amanda Allen

“Held: 31 Biblical Reflections on God’s Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage” by Abbey Wedgeworth

“You Were Bigger Than The Whole Sky” by Taylor Swift (song)

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust “Helping a Loved One“

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust “My Feelings” (includes resources for LGBTQIA folks)